The Other Spanky (and Coburn)
Part I: The Other Spanky
There’s another Spanky in the family, Blane and Angela’s dog. She’s a mutt Angela got about five years ago. Someone brought her in to the vet’s where she works. The pup was just 1 day old and the owner wanted to put it to sleep because it was born with a cleft palate.
Now Blane used to make jokes about the vet’s. About how they put more animals to sleep there than they saved. And Angela had just been saying how some new girl at the office wouldn’t cut it in this business because she cried every time they had to put down an animal.
I don’t know how it all went down that day, why Angela didn’t put that dog down. Maybe she didn’t want to do it while the new (sensitive) girl was around. She kept the pup in her pocket at work all day and by the time 5 O’clock rolled around, Angela couldn’t manage to put down the doggie.
I mean, could you?
She got some feeding tubes, puppy formula, and made a commitment to save her. A month or two later a vet friend of hers sewed up Spanky’s palate and she became sort of a normal dog.
Spanky the dog had cowlicks all over her body, eyes that went in two different directions, perpetually bloodshot. She also walked as if she was drunk. We called her “troll dog” because she had this wicked growl with that screwed up palate. She was possesive, too, a bit jealous of Blane, especially when he and Angela moved in together. When it was time for Spanky to go in her crate at night, she’d try to hide. She often stuck just her head under the bed, the rest of her body in full view, but to Spanky, she was deep cover.
She had OCD too, had to make a figure eight in the yard before she did her business.
A couple of days ago she came down with something, got really sick and passed on. Nobody knows what it was.
Part II: Coburn
Liv’s dog Coburn was the biggest German Shepherd I’d ever met. The thing about this dog was he seemed to read minds. You could just look at him a certain way and he’d sit. We’ve been knowing him for a good ten years, visiting just a few days at a time through the years. He never forgot us, even though every year my girls had grown and changed a lot, he never did bark at them as if they were strangers.
On one trip we’d told Liv and Coburn bye for the year, we were going to another place 3 hours away and would continue on with our travels. All evening he was restless. He panted and waited by the door for us to return. It worried Liv. Turns out, we couldn’t find a hotel where we went and had to return to her place. We got back at about 3 AM. Somehow that dog knew we were in a bit of trouble.
In the summer of 2006, when we were telling Coburn goodbye, he whimpered. He’d never done that before. I remember going back one more time and giving him another bear hug. About a month later, he was diagnosed with cancer and given about a month to live. Maybe he knew that would be the last time we’d see him?
Liv had her son dig a deep hole in her backyard in advance. She has a bad back and wanted to make sure he had a proper resting place in case Klaus wasn’t around when the Time came.
Next summer rolls around, we go back and see Coburn again. He doesn’t even look sick.
See? So I’m thinking that dog was misdiagnosed. He looked healthy, a little slow, but hell, he was 12 years old.
The next day, however that dog barely moved. I don’t know where he got all that energy to pretend he wasn’t sick that first day we got there, but it was all gone. A couple of months later, Coburn, too was gone.
Part III: Why I Am Writing About This Depressing Stuff
Well, obviously because these two pets passes away recently. It’s really sad that there are no memorial events for pets. People hurt deeply when they go. I haven’t seen any cards in the sympathy section of the greeting card aisle that are specifically for those kinds of best friends. Maybe they do have them somewhere. But I haven’t seen them.
What about dog angel stories? Ghost dog stories? You ever heard one?
Not until now. Call me crazy if you want (I will revel in it anyway), but I got one for ya.
This last trip to Liv’s? Coburn had been gone for a couple of weeks. I went out and paid my respects to his spot in the backyard. I can’t tell you how empty it felt in that house without him. I think it was the second day at Liv’s, while at her computer, I felt something nudge me in the lower back. I thought for a second, Coburn. Looked around. No one there. And then I thought…
So if you have any kind words to help heal the hearts of Blane and Angela and Liv, feel free to say them here. If you have any pet stories to share, go on ahead. I’m listening.
Echoing Laughter
A couple of years ago, before I moved to this house, I had a neighbor, Sharon, who was raised about 20 miles from me. Us both being Cajuns would knock on each others doors when we damn well felt like it and end up spending the day together.
I’d known her about five years that time she knocked at my door and didn’t seem quite like herself. Somehow she’d put on a few pounds in a matter of days. Still, she was missing something. I asked her to come inside. Usually, she just came inside without my asking. But not this time. She seemed a little panicked, confused. So we’re just standing there looking at each other awkwardly and another Sharon jumps out of my hedges!
Turns out Sharon has an identical twin I’d never met and they were pranking me. What was really wicked was when they stood there laughing about it. They had the same exact laugh but it wasn’t quite sync’d up, so it sounded like I had my head in a tunnel listening to lunatic laughter.
That’s one of the best pranks anyone (or two) ever pulled on me.
I miss that about my old neighborhood, popping in and out of houses whenever we wanted. Although now we’re about a mile away with a six lane road dividing us, this place is quite different. No one is ever out in their yard chatting, people don’t even seem to know each other. They drive home from work, click the garage door opener and you don’t see them again until they drive home the next day and do the same thing all over again. I walk this neighborhood with my dogs every single day and I rarely see anyone outside. It is bizarre.
Sometimes I’m okay with this, especially since I’m writing again and need every moment of peace and quiet I can get. Other times, it seems wrong.
Spanky and Scrappy having fun with Photobooth.
Count Spankula
There’s a guy Blane and I went to school with who was all around hilarious. Everything out of his mouth was funny. I always thought he’d become a standup comic or a comedy writer or an actor.
I really don’t know what he does right now except for this. He’s found Youtube and I’m bringing him to you.
Go watch this one, it is his impression of Billy Bob Thornton’s “Childers” in Sling Blade, but with a Mardi Gras twist. Go on, it’s only 30 seconds long.
You can see all of his YouTube videos here.
Save The Kransekake! (with recipe)
Liv is my friend in England who is Norwegian. When her son got married, he had one request:
Kransekake.
Kransekake I think means Norwegian Wedding Cake. If you have ever had it, call yourself lucky. It is not a cake like we are used to eating here, more of a… Hmmm. Cookie? Tart?
Special pans are used to make 18 rings, all different sizes. They stack one on top of the other with the smallest one on top. Reminds me of one of those Fisher Price toys the kids used to play with when they were babies.
Here’s a photo of her set of pans she uses to make it.
Anyway, Liv made these rings and on the day of the wedding she assembled it but it was too tall to bring without falling all over the place. We had to take the top part of the tower down and bring it in two parts to the reception hall.
She gives me the cake and makes me sit in the back. Carefully. These things are fragile. Then she drives like a maniac through town because we are running out of time. We still need to assemble and decorate the thing once we get there. Then go back home and get ready for the wedding.
We go down that crazy narrow road with the brick wall that always makes me scream if another car is coming at us.
And it seems as if cars are purposesly trying to hit us because I have this fragile thing in my hands. We’re dodging cars, making sharp turns on shortcut paths and I keep hearing our wheels squeal. I may be swaying from side to side, but dammit, that kransekake is safe.
If you are in England and see this sticker on the back of some blonde’s car, I’ve warned you. I’m just kidding. Liv is a great driver.
We made it alive and the Kransekake survived without a blemish. I got to decorate it with the ribbons and flowers.
Is that special or what?
Here is how to make it:
For the Cake Mix:
1/2 kg of almonds (ground)
1/2 kg of icing sugar (this is powdered sugar)
4 eggwhites
Yes, I am too lazy to type that up, plus Liv has this ancient recipe and I think it’s too cool not to show the real thing.
So here is how it looks once the dough is rolled out like a snake and you put it in the pan. Liv dusts the greased pans with semolina flour, or something like that.
Then she takes the top of the dough rings and makes these peaks, like so:
While that is baking I go around and get a few snapshots of stuff I like in her house:
A little bottle of Scandinavian booze.
The only brand of butter Liv ever buys (Scandinavian).
And proof, PROOF that Diet Dr. Pepper is sold in England. Spanky and Sweetpea said I was nuts looking for that stuff over there last summer.
Okay. The moment these cakes are done in the oven? You smell them. It is like magic. You don’t even really need a timer, just a nose. It is that reliable.
This is what it looks like coming out of the oven.
Here is how to make the icing to drizzle over the rings.
ingredients:
1 egg white
100 gr. (2dl) of icing sugar (powdered sugar)
You do not assemble them in a stack until the icing has hardened. Liv iced hers the night before.
Now here is the happy couple, Klaus and Leanne.
The bride is a singer and has a bunch of very talented singer friends who sang some amazing karaoke at the reception. I was just amazed at the entertainment there by guests. She kicked it off with an incredible cover of Cabaret. I had forgotten she was a singer, so when these people kept coming up and performing these difficult songs I was wondering, is this real?
It was.
One of the best parts of going to visit friends from different cultures is cooking with them, celebrating things with them, dancing, laughing, singing (okay, i did not dare sing with that lineup of talent, no way), driving with them, or just going grocery shopping together.
Now here is a little test to see how well you know me. Guess which one of these things I did not do while in England:
Clean Liv’s oven
Drink tea
Spend the day in London by myself
Wake up at 8 AM
Silver
My grandmother used to have this list she kept in a drawer. It was an old newspaper clipping of gifts for wedding anniversaries, year one through seventy-five and the corresponding materials with which the gifts were to be made. She was an extreme traditionalist and held my grandfather to it.
When I was about seven years old, my grandparents celebrated their 50th (Golden) wedding anniversary. It was such a big deal, like another wedding. There was a big cake, a professional photographer, napkins printed with their names and the dates in gold, and people who came in from all over to be at this celebration.
I had no use for this list when I got married. It took too damn long to get anything good. Sixty years down the hatch for some diamonds? Who made this list, a dude?
Actually, I’m just not a traditionalist. I don’t like doing things like everyone else. My brothers used to tease me all time, “You just want to be different!” as if that were a bad thing.
Also, I don’t have much use for gold or diamonds.
Blane and I were teens when we got married. Most people didn’t think it would last. Less than a year into it, I’d run across people in town who would ask, “You still married?” My own mother didn’t believe. Not before the wedding, or after it, she just kept saying, “I don’t see how this could work.”
That was when I knew she had no clue as to who her daughter was.
I didn’t just jump into marriage because we had a child on the way. I could’ve done like the other girls in town and gotten married the minute I found out. We didn’t. We thought and thought and thought about it. Even waited until six weeks after the baby was born to tie the knot. We had to be sure.
Once I made my decision, my promise, I didn’t question whether it would last. I knew it would.
And it did. Today, you see, is silver.
Blane and I aren’t perfect matches. We’re opposites, actually. I’ll give you a peek into the lives of Blane and Kitty.
On Saturday Blane was gone all day helping our son do something at his house. Man stuff. I was here marinating a turkey breast, stinking my fingers up with garlic. I assembled a rotisserie for the grill outside (it came with no directions, either), put that lump over the grill. For hours I babysat that thing because the skewer kept falling out of the motor. By the time Blane finally got home, the entire thing was done.
As he ate, this is what he said: Mmmm, this is good. What brand is this?
In my imagination I leap across the table, hook my claws into his neck and put him on that grill.
In the real world, I just laugh and enjoy the turkey.
Marriage is hard work.
The Wonderful World of Sisters
Not too long ago Spanky, Sweetpea, and I were in the car. Spanky, in the backseat asks Sweetpea to advance the CD to a certain track.
Sweetpea gives her little sister a knowing grin and laughs:
Sweetpea: Got ya heart broken, huh?
Spanky: …
I know I missed out by not getting a sister. Don’t tell me any different.
What the FCUK?!
We’ve been seeing these t-shirts over the last few years in England. My kids would point out every one of them.
Tricky on the eyes isn’t it?
FCUK, short for French Connections UK is actually a hip clothing store which also has its own hair care and frangrance lines.
The Tubes are completely taken over with the smell of FCUK.
Which isn’t bad since that stuff is really good.
I never thought we could get away with those FCUKing shirts in this country, never in my wildest dreams thought they’d open a French Connections shop here, but I did spot one while in New Orleans last spring.
But… FCUS?
Doesn’t translate, does it? That tricks the eye and FCUKs with the head.
While in Target this evening I saw something unusual. A lip enhancing gloss called—
Sexy Mother Pucker.
Made by Soap and Glory.
Sxe is such a sellout. I mean, sxe sells.
I think I’ll go clean out my spam folder.
Something I Wish I’d Written
Just go read TJ’s post, “in a cemetery.”
It’s just brilliant.
Sweetpea’s Got a Brand New Smile
Sweetpea just got her braces off today. She was completely surprised about it because they didn’t tell her at her last appointment that the next visit would be The day.
I wasn’t surprised at all. It just so happens that we made the last payment on her orthodontics last month. What a coincidence. Same thing happened with Spanky. Those braces came off just after we paid hers out. Funny thing is, we paid Spanky’s braces off a year early. She got them off a year early, too.
Even stranger, they had told Sweetpea about six months ago that her next appointment would be the day they would take her braces off. They had also made a mistake and thought I’d paid her bill out early. When she went in to get them off they said, “Oh your teeth have shifted, we need to keep them in longer.”
Of course this could all be coincidence. But I’ve always heard that from other people. The only person I know of that this did not happen to is me. I wore my braces a year after mine were paid. I had to miss a heap of appointments because I was preggers while wearing them and had a lot of morning sickness.
Sweetpea is all smiles today. The funny thing about when your friends first see you sans metal mouth they can’t figure out what is different. They will ask, “You do something different with your hair, something’s different?” Very few people pinpoint the change.
And flossing is a dream without those things.
She has a dazzling smile. I’m so happy for her today.
Homemade Southern Biscuits
Biscuits are a staple of southern cooking. They are quick and easy to make.
Here, I’ll show you.
Gather up:
2 cups all purpose flour
3 teaspoons *baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 to 1/2 cup shortening (you can substitute lard or butter)
7/8 cup milk (1 cup less 2 tablespoons)
(for weights and measures equivalents in the UK and Australia, check here)
Oven at 450 degrees F (230 C, or gas mark 8 in the UK).
Sift together dry ingredients. Cut or rub shortening into flour mixture until particles are as fine as coarse crumbs.
Add milk and stir in with a fork.
Turn dough out on a lightly floured board and kneed just until smooth.
Roll dough out about 1/2 inch thick and cut with a floured cutter. You could skip this part and just make rounded patties with floured hands or spoon out big drops on the pan.
Place on lightly greased baking sheet. You can brush with melted butter if desired.
Makes about 8 biscuits. Bake 10 to 12 minutes, et voila!
Most people cut them in half and spread butter, jam, or honey in the middle.
Here are some variations:
You can add 1 tablespoon of sugar to dry ingredients.
For buttermilk biscuits:
Cut baking powder to 2 teaspoons and add 1/4 teaspoon baking soda. Replace 7/8 cup milk with 1 cup buttermilk. Follow recipe above.
Popeye’s biscuits:
Change out the ingredients to these and follow recipe above.
4 cups Pioneer biscuit mix (just double up the dry ingreds and shortening if you don’t have biscuit mix)
8 ounces sour cream
3/4 cup club soda
1 teaspoon melted butter to brush tops.
*If you don’t have baking powder, you can make it. Just add 2 parts cream of tartar to 1 part baking soda.
ET Phone Home
Blane works in the telecom industry and was just telling me about some really cool things he’s involved with. Usually this stuff is way over my head, but here’s something I can use to call my friends abroad.
Jaxtr is an application that allows you to put a widget on your facebook page (or blog or whatever you internet network with). You can then call someone from any phone, landline or mobile, and it bridges the call to your friend’s phone. Although the call is intitiated by using the widget, you talk on phones. Jaxter gives 100 free minutes per month.
Your friends and family can also click on this widget to call you. No one can actually ring your phone unless you pre-approve their phone number. Incoming calls from non approved numbers are routed to your Jaxter voicemail. So there are no worries about annoying calls. Also, your number stays private.
I’ve tried it and it does work. If you have a facebook page and you know my real name, look me up and add me as a friend. From there you can check out the widget.
Another phone service Blane told me about is Grandcentral.com. I signed up for that too, not sure exactly how it works, but it doles out phone numbers that you can use for a lifetime. From there, you link this number to any phone. Google just acquired them and there are some changes going on for the moment so there is a waiting list for services. So far, the people who have been able to use it are pleased with it.
So get your geek on and try out some of the new phone stuff out there.
Booted
On my first day at Liv’s house she kept saying we needed to nip into town so she could get some eyedrops. I looked at her eyes and they seemed fine, but she kept saying they were not okay.
We get to Boots drugstore, an amazing place (so amazing that our Target stores here in the States have a Boots aisle). Liv shows me No 7 Protect and Perfect Serum, a face cream so damn good that Boots couldn’t keep it on the shelves when it was highlighted on some tv show there. They were fully stocked when we went and there was a sign that they were no longer limiting it to one per customer.
I had to get some of that, although at $30 per tube, it was a painful decision to put it in the basket. When I realized it was “buy 2 get one free”, I ended up committing $60 for 3 tubes. Don’t know why it is, but that took the sting out of it.
Lest I forget what we went there for, I wandered off on my own to find some eyedrops for Liv. The eyedrop section made my eyes bulge. The choices were mind boggling. There must have been about 20 different types of drops. Why so many?
Upon closer inspection, I realized that my eyes were also fucked up and I must buy some of this stuff.
How stupid of me to neglect my eye whites? I’d been chasing down tooth whiteners since those things came out and here are the Brits alrealdy past that and working on bright eyes to match.
There are the types that promise to make them bright, brilliant, or dazzling…
Or if you want that special touch, drops to turn them blue…
I tried both of these products. Did they work? Well they made my eyes sting for starters. Then my eyelids turned red and itchy. I think my eyeballs were brighter, especially with the contrasting redness around them.
And what about that No 7 Serum? So far, it has made my skin feel very dry. This is similar to the effect of using Retin A for the first time. I hope once that outer layer of skin sloughs off, I’ll experience the “perfect” part of the deal.
Sometimes it’s fun to put skepticism on hold and just believe in these little miracle products. For a few days at least.
