Things That Hurt

A friend of mine described the feeling of losing his child six years after the fact. He said, “It feels like I’m walking around with a sword in my chest.” He also said he recently went on a religious retreat and experienced something, like the sword was being pulled out, all at once.

I’m not religious, but spiritial. I don’t know how I’d deal or if I could deal with that sort of loss.

When my niece Candace was born, my brother got a tattoo with her name and birthdate. Not a lot of people were getting tattoos back then, but I thought it was cool. After Candace had her son, she got a tattoo with her son’s name and birthdate. I didn’t know that until yesterday.

Yesterday her mom (Paula) sent me a photo of a tattoo she just got:

What a beautiful tribute. Baby blue was Candace’s favorite color. She liked it so much, it was part of her email address.


24 thoughts on “Things That Hurt

  1. When people suffer loss like this, you know the best thing you can do is listen and not flinch.

    It sounds easy, but it’s not- just, you know, if you’re there for someone it will make a Universe of a difference to them.


  2. Listening is the best thing you can do, I agree. A friend of mine who is a psychologist told me something interesting when I asked her what I could do for my friend to make them feel better.
    She said, “They don’t want you to take their pain away.”
    It seems that even worse than that pain would be to feel nothing.

  3. I’m not religious either, but spirital. And I am a good friend of Candace, and her parents. And I believe true love makes a complete circle. So Kitty I believe you gave a perfect example of true love. I am sure Candace’s mother appreciates your part of the circle.

  4. Thanks all for the comments about the tattoo, and thanks Kitty for posting it. I always hated needles but the pain wasn’t that bad. I feel more pain from losing my daughter i guess that’s why this rose caught my eye. I was looking at other tattoos but i would go back and look a this one. Than it came to me that is the one i need with candace’s name and dates on it. I asked the guy if i could make some changes to it and he said sure. I told him what i wanted and how i wanted it ,and this is how it came out. Later on i want to put a picture of her on my shoulder. I was never big on tattoos but this is a memory of candace that will always be with me.

  5. Hey Paula, so glad you stopped by to see how it looked on the blog. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    You forgot to tell us how the guy offered to stop half-way through to give you a break but you told him just to go ahead and finish it in one go.

  6. That is the most touching memorial. I just love the colour blue too, and if anyone would do that for me when I’m gone, I’d watch over them forever.

  7. Yes i asked him how many breaks i would get. He told me that i can take as many as i wanted. He also said that the more breaks i would take that would even hurt more when they would get started again. So what i did while he was doing his work was talking to Candace telling her i was doing it for her and that is what made me not take a break. Kitty i will send you a picture when he got started and that is how i was for 2 hours.

  8. That rose was so beautiful, Kitty. I just stayed there looking at it, I couldn’t take my eyes off it. For it was beautiful. And for what it stands for. I had the goose-bumps. I’m sure she somehow knows. And I’m sure that, no matter where she is, she blooms just like that baby blue rose. Maybe she is a baby blue rose. It was beautiful.

  9. Oh, Sophia, I’m so glad you stopped by today. You always write the most thoughtful things. I have heard back from people who read but don’t leave comments, usually they are asking about Sophia, who is she?
    You should have a blog so they can go see.
    One day I’ll just have to do a “Who Sophia Is” post. LOL.

  10. i know sometimes it’s a release, physical pain of getting that tatoo, maybe a transformation of some emotional hurt of her loss into an expression of remembering her beauty.
    i don’t know anything about those secret painful spiritual rituals. I do know that sometimes through my son’s expression of physical pain, he gets beautiful moments of freedom from his torture and I hope Paula got some of that too. It’s a beautiful tatoo.

  11. I am not sure if Paula watches You tube but one of my fav just went through this and has a video of his wife getting her tatoo……it’s a lovely tribute but warning it’s sad too because it’s a tatoo of little footprints. They are really sweet people so I gave them a link to this post.

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