A Million Kinds of Crazy

Yes it is true, there has been another accidental death in the family. That makes three in seven months. My brother Lorne died on Friday and although we don’t have the results of his bloodwork, word on the street is he took too many muscle relaxers. This is the exact same thing that happened to Shane, my other brother who died last October. That was the word on the street for him too.

Louisiana is broke and is not doing autopsies as they should. They did not autopsy either of my brothers and I hear Soma (muscle relaxer) does not show up on drug screens. What comes back on these death certificates is “probable heart attack.”

So we have to rely on “word on the street.” I don’t like having to interview and interrogate friends and family, a good chunk of them addicts for information to figure out how my brother died.

I have another brother (still living) who is strung out on drugs. At the funeral home, there were stories circulating that he had gone to my mother’s house and ransacked it looking for money to buy drugs. First, the story was he had torn my mother’s room apart. As the day and evening progressed, people were saying he had turned the entire house upside down. It kept getting worse and worse, this story. We didn’t tell my mother any of this, got a hotel room for the night and kept her there.

After the burial services I brought my mom home but told her to stay in the car while I checked the house. Now, I didn’t really believe those stories, and I’m not afraid of much. But. When I opened the front door, I smelled a horrible odor, like something dead was in that house. It was dark and very still. I got this feeling that maybe my strung brother or one of his friends had gone in there and died, and I tell you my knees were knocking. My heart raced as I turned every doorknob and flicked on each light.

Much of my adult life has been like this regarding my brothers. If you’ve had alcoholic or substance abusers in your family, you know that feeling, that late night phone call or knock at the door, the shit that races through your mind. You never fucking get used to it. And when you do get that dreaded call, the nightmare come to life thing, it’s a sorry ass feeling. A fucked-up one. On the one hand you are devastated about the loss, on the other, you don’t have to worry about getting that call again. Unless you have other substance abusers in the family.

About my mom’s house and that rotten smell, I didn’t find a damn thing. No dead body, no ransacking, no nothing. Unless Snow White came by and cleaned that house. Turns out my mom had left some food out and since she was in a hotel for two days, it went bad. So much for word on the street.

About my brother Lorne, he didn’t use drugs all the time, wasn’t strung out on them. I never really thought I’d get a call like that about him. I thought for sure it would be my other brother who is out walking the streets right now doing his thing. Trying to get him into rehab is like trying to keep water cupped in my hands.

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26 thoughts on “A Million Kinds of Crazy

  1. I’m so sorry you had all the additional worry about your mom’s house. You really didn’t need that.
    Glad you’re taking your mom home with you. You would have worried about her, and she needs you now more than ever before. I hope together you can help each other through this early, raw time. My thoughts and prayers are with you all the time Kitty, and the rest of your family. Call me ANY time if you feel the need to offload.

  2. I’m really sorry, Kitty. I may not be able to be there with you physically, but I hope that you know that my heart and mind never left your side.

  3. I just wanted to say I am so sorry about Pumpkin. I know the pain you are going through because I feel like I have lost a part of my family too. Even though I am not related by blood. I have been a part of it for at least 25 years. I am still trying to deal with the loss of Shane and Candace and now this happened.

    I will always consider you guys family.

  4. hey there my dear aunt. it really seems that worst nightmares become true…. mamee called me friday with the news while i was buying the outfit… i didnt know what to say or how to feel. but at that moment i really did believe it was about boosy. i apologize for i have not shed a tear. i can’t. i have lost all feeling of grief. my feelings have turned more into anger! not anger towards any living person, but anger to those that have been or are so weak to fall prey.

    maybe it was that i was not close to pumpkin. Everyone knows that of all of my aunts and unks that boosy WAS my fave. Him and i even though many years apart, were like best friends. He used to be sober and role model material to me. He taught me more then my own mother and father. i cant take another lose. i dont think i will be able to handle it. and i know that alot of grims are counting him as a gain lately. i just can’t take that as an answer or a reason. losing boose, would be like losing the closest thing to a sibling for me.

    ihopewecancontrolthisforwehavesufferredtomuch!!!!!

  5. Thanks eveyone for writing in with support.
    Boosie is no longer roaming the streets, he is is a safer place. For now. We’ll see.

    Me, I’m doing okay. My mom’s okay. Punkin’s girlfriend of ten years, Myrt, not so okay. I feel for her, she is suffering deeply. She was good for him.

  6. OOooo Kitty so sorry to hear about Pumkin, I use to kind of hang around Pumkin and his friends when I first seperated from Donny Jennings. He was always so kind for everybody else but himself. And in my opinion when someone does that it means they are looking for someone to love them again, because they lost someone they really loved at one time. And feel if you can show boosy to have alot of self confidence about himself again he will pull through. Please give a hug to your Mother for me please. She is a strong Mother.You all are in my prays. Keep peace!

  7. Just when you start to breathe again. Kitty, take care of yourself too. I am so sorry.

    In thinking of you and your strength, I am going to have a cup of tea and I am not going to complain about one thing today. Not anything.

  8. Kitty, I think Jennifer is going to enjoy her cup of tea, because we all still have alot of love in our hearts because we were blessed not to let anyone or anything destroy it. I believe when you are on drugs it is easier to let anyone or anything destroy your heart. (it brings your self confidence weaker and not stronger. } It is like going backwards instead of forward. I remember two things in life for sure that helped myself. (1) you have to fill your cup up ( heart) with love to have alot of it.(2) Don’t let it beat you, you beat it. And I have two brothers that were on drugs. one out two the oldest learned from them, but the youngest one let it beat him for now. what saved from the streets. he is serving 7 years time in Shrevport La. Hoping he can beat it and get a cup full some where. Good Luck with boosie.

  9. Kitty, you know how I feel. I am so sorry. While you’re being strong for your mother, don’t forget to take care of yourself.

    May Lorne be at peace. May light perpetual shine upon him.

  10. AFR, Sorry to hear you have that in your family too. It is epidemic back home.

    Thanks Pooks.

    You know, as I was going to sleep on the night Lorne died, I felt this incredible peaceful feeling and happiness I had not had in months. I didn’t know Lorne was dead, it had just happened. I thought, damn, finally this grief has lifted. I’m moving on.

    So Blane wakes me up at 8:30 AM to tell me Lorne died during the night and I thought, the minute I feel good, shit happens. I thought that for about 6 hours. Then I found out what time he died. It was the same time I was falling asleep and had that peaceful and happy feeling. I can’t help but think his spirit visited me as he passed because it was the same exact time. (okay I know some people will argue that it was God, not my brother) All that matters, really, is that it gave me strength and courage like I have never had before.

  11. I pulled over near a freeway on ramp just by a group of wild yellow flowers and just looked at how lovely they were in such a strange place. My phone rang and I knew my Nan was with me already. When my brother died, I was home to spend the weekend with him. I felt him holding me back from going into his room. My sister called just in time to make me turn towards the kitchen. I think your brother helped you. : )

  12. Jenifer, I have worked with a lot of terminal patients and they do seem to have some control over when they die. I’ve had some wait until everyone was there, hold out for a particular person so they could let go, and then had some wait until everyone leaves to make that final exit.

  13. Hey Kit,
    Thought I’d check to see how you’re doing and as always you’re so strong. I’m glad your mom is with you as you both need each other now and I’m glad Boosie’s getting help. One thing I can say about your family Kit, is that you all have a very strong spiritual connection with each other because everytime one of them passes you have an incredible experience with them on the other side. That is so very special and I’m so happy that you felt pumpkin make his transition on the other side. I very much believe that it was pumpkin and he was able to touch you because he’s with God. Tessie has felt that many times with close ones passing especially with Momie and Poppie’s passing. Well, I hope you’re doing well and you know if you ever need to talk or vent you have your sister here…
    Take care!

  14. I will pass your love on Kit and I am keeping a close eye on her (or as close as I can get). I see her 1-2 times a week and talk to her every other day, but, here lately her husband is keeping close tabs on her and hardly letting her out of his sight!

  15. It seems just when were over one thing, something else is right there to hit us like a ton of bricks. Well, I’m glad to see Boosie getting help and hoepfully he and Dad can pull through it together. Like Capone said, I also feel sorry for not shedding that many tears for Pumpkin, but i guess its mixed feelings that i have about the whole situation. Kinda angry that he let the addiction get him too, and also in a way sad cause another piece of our family wasted to drugs. Hopefully we can live out the rest of our lives not having to worry about who will be next to this seemslike “endless battle”. Tell Mame that if she needs anything to let me know. Also I pray everyday that Dad and Boosie will turn around for the best and not end up like the rest. Its a shame that kinda sounds like a slogan for a TV commercial. I know that Uncle Shane, Candace and Pumpkin are up above hoping and praying the same for Dad and Boosie. I hope we can get this under control as Capone said so that the suffering will be over for us.
    Amber

  16. Hey Amber,
    I think what made Shane and Candace’s deaths more difficult for us was they left children behind. I was very close to Pumpkin while we were growing up. In fact, he was my only brother to be a godfather to one of my kids (he was Sweetpea’s Godfather).
    Thinking back to Pumpkin’s behavior at their funerals, I can just remember him making everyone laugh even though it was such a dark time. He had such a great sense of humor. You just never saw the punchline coming. He was the funniest of us kids, and I can’t picture him without a grin on his face.

    During Pumpkin’s graveside service I saw this butterfly that kept buzzing the preacher’s head, doing flips in the air and, well, it was entertaining, like Pumpkin was. I don’t know if you read the thread about spirits and butterflies, but Pumpkin had read that. I heard so many people giggling at that butterfly. We watched it go way way up in the sky until we couldn’t see it anymore. Everyone fell silent because it was gone. Then out of nowhere, three butterflies came back with one trailing them as if he’d gone to round those three up. I thought, Shane, Candace, Dad, Pumpkin? Those four butterflies kept together for a while. It kept me from crying.
    I think he’d rather see people laugh than cry. That’s how he was.

    I hope your dad and Boosie sober up too. It should be clear to them that they must chose between life and death here. Only they can make that choice.

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