Haunted Out of My Freaking Mind

Halloween is the best time of the year. Costumes, candy, and h-h-h-haunted houses. Not real ones. The attractions you pay to go see. I love those places. Imagine the glee when Sweetpea told me she would be one of the actresses at one of these things.

Last night Spanky and I had to go take a ride out there to bring something to her. We didn’t think we’d get to go see the attraction, we had plans to go next week, on family night. When we got there, however, different story.

We HAD to go in there. It being a Sunday night and close to closing, seemed perfect, we would have Phantom’s Haunted Ranch all to ourselves.

Now you know I love these things. I don’t scare or get grossed out easily. These places are usually filled up with gory things and people banging on the walls, screaming, sneaking up on you. I was expecting the same old same old. Like the movie Hostel. That sort of scary.

This was different. Really different. More like the movie 1408. The person who planned this thing as well as the “actors” were absolutely brilliant. It is like no other haunted house I’ve ever been. I got the crap scared out of me. Like mental-mess-with-your head scary.

The ghouls and ghosties are improvisational actors. I admit, I laughed at first when they spouted the rules at the door, “The actors will not touch you, do not touch the actors.”

Now if you plan on going out to Phantom’s Haunted Ranch and Hayride in McKinney, Texas (near Dallas) do not read any further. There are spoilers here. Come back and read this later.

If you make it back.

The inside of this place is a dark maze. The hallways are lurking with dark characters. Not so much at first. It’s dead empty and you are not sure where to go after going through the entrance.

The first one to greet us led us around a few turns. He had a plastic hatchet in his hand and face paint, wore a dark robe. Spanky and I had our arms locked together.

He seemed nice and helpful, though, telling us how to work the maze. Other ghouls came around and hissed. I guess it was some sort of good cop/ bad cop con they were playing on us, because we came to depend on this guy with the hatchet. He asked if we are friends, all sorts of questions to figure out our relationship. I told the nice hatchet murderer I was Spanky’s mother.

That is when he said, “You must be separated.” We laughed, said it wouldn’t happen…

Next thing you know we are in a dark corridor with about six closed doors. We can’t even tell where we came from. Creeps are telling us to choose a door. I open one door and a monster comes out, the next, another freak. And so on, until the last door. This nice looking nerdy guy comes out. No makeup, nothing. I tell Spanky it is probably the scariest room. There has to be a trick. She goes into that one and does not come out. I get bombarded with ghouls and am so disoriented I don’t know which direction she went.

My thinking is any minute now, Spanky will rejoin me. But nooooooooooo, and choose what must have been the wrong door.

The freaks bombard me with lights, loud noises… I don’t know what else. All I know is I was lost as all shit in the dark and there were monsters coming at me from the ceiling, the floors, in front of me, behind me, everywhere. I’m worried to death about Spanky, surely she is getting the shit scared out of her, too. Somewhere. This is what messes with my head. Drives me insane.

There is a crazy bridge thing with a tunnel, this huge barrel that spins around. I’ve done that thing a million times before and have never gotten dizzy. The trick is to just run through it fast. These guys did what they had to do to make sure I went through it sloooooowly and I swear, I thought the room was really spinning. There were lots of other optical illusions which blew my mind. Like the room of dots. And the people in there with dot costumes that blended into the walls perfectly. Until the started moving.

Finally, Spanky joins me for the rest of the haunted house. I didn’t find out until we got to the car that they did not try to scare the living daylights out of her when we were separated. All she had was that one nerdy guy “acting” like he was trying to find her mother but failing to do so. She couldn’t believe that they worked me over like they did.

There is also a haunted hayride which is the part where Sweetpea works. It goes through a dark forest and is so creepy because the woods are full of actors, too. Some of the people on the hayride are actors and get “attacked” by creatures on that dark path. There are even ghosts on real horses out there.

A total freakout experience and no doubt a fun family outing. Especially if you have teenaged kids. Muhahahahahaha.


31 thoughts on “Haunted Out of My Freaking Mind

  1. I know that house is probably a lot worse than the one you took me to, but I think now you know how I felt. STARK TERROR!!!!!
    Thank God you didn’t take me to that house. If I hadn’t had a heart attack before the doors, (which I would have) I would have gone totally hysterical and attacked these “ghouls” if they had taken my Klaus. If there had been anything left of me after it was all over I would have been taken away by the men in white coats. I truly don’t understand why people go to these haunted houses for fun. Scared the shit out of me just reading this.

  2. Ah shit, I am laughing with tears in my eyes, Liv. I meant to warn you by email. Keep forgetting you are so far ahead in time zones.

    They would definately have carried you out in white coats. Or a squad car.

    I knew they wouldn’t really do any real harm to Spank. I’d just been in the office and saw all the surveilance cameras. CYA, which is smart.

    I just wasn’t expecting this, that they would figure me out (my deepest fear being to “lose” a child) and work that fear. i guess they only do this if you have big kids, kids as tall as the parents. They got me, got me good.

  3. I think I’d prefer the squad car! I know what you mean with your deepest fear. I guess most mothers do. In that situation, even if I knew they wouldn’t hurt my kid, the fear and worry would have made me break down doors and attack anyone who tried to stop me. You are so much more rational and tough than me.

  4. LOL, Max, I’m surprised. I would have thought you’d do it.

    Liv, there is a hearse parked just outside the front door and it has a real casket with a fake monster in it. Creepy, but maybe it could be used if they need to get you out of there really fast?

    Blane Jr. tells me about this haunted house that has 13 floors. I looked it up, but don’t think it actually exists, not in this town. Anyway, supposedly if you make it to the 13th floor, you get your money back. One of his friends claim that his friend’s dad made it and when he got there, this dude’s stomach exploded on him.

    I don’t know if that’s true.

  5. Hey Kitty…the laughing skeleton is on the Haunted Ranch Site…anyways- this was too cool, I used to do FX Halloween Makeup and boy do I miss it.


    Hey Max, and Urban Legend about a Haunted House?!



  6. Oh the story goes, Some whacked out guy got into a haunted house and everyone thought it was part of an act when he went on a killing rampage so no one yelled for help — except of course the people who were part of his “act” but no one took that seriously so too bad for them.

  7. Oh, man, I thought about that when Sweetpea started working there, what if a real killer goes in there and…
    Then I thought, oh, I’m just paranoiding.

    Anita Marie, that’s so cool. I just KNOW you got that Dick Smith latex monsta makeup kit when you were a kid, didn’t you? (My brother had it) We used to make fake bullet holes for our foreheads.

    Daily, you should take your kids to one of these. Just don’t let them separate you.

    Liv, sorry. You know I’d do it again, get you back into a haunted house if I could?

  8. Why do you want to kill me???? I thought we were best friends.
    You might be tough, but Donald Duck will be dancing on the moon, and singing gospel, before I go anywhere near one of those places again. And if you managed to fool me there somhow, I’d call the cops on you. NO WAY!!!!!
    I got scared out of my little wits on Saturday. One of my students were away on holiday, was coming back Sunday. Around noon on Sat. I go into his room to put a plastic bag in his bin and to check the room was ready for his return the next day. I walk in in my own dreamworld, just about to bend down to get the bin ….. then I saw movement from the corner of my eye. A head popped up from the bed. I screamed so loud I’m sure it could be heard in the next town. I got such a fright that for a second or two I didn’t even recognise who it was. My heart was banging so hard it hurt and I was shaking for the next couple of hours. I did give him a fright too.

  9. It was the student who had got confused and meant to say Sat. when he said Sunday. Tomas (the one who gave you the booze – how was it b.t.w.?) told him at dinner:”Bad boy! You tried to kill our host mother!”

  10. Tomas, the giant with the shaved head who is a meat scientist?!? Oh man, I can see it.
    Liv, that’s hilarious.

    No, I haven’t had any of that booze yet. One day I’ll have a drink and laugh big like Tomas does and think about how he almost scared you to the grave.

  11. Nobody can laugh as loud as he can. It wasn’t him that scared me, he told Bheruz off for doing it.
    I gave Klaus my bottle. He’s had a few drinks of it and thinks it’s great.

  12. Yeah, Stil, 1408 is a Steven King adaptation and stars John Cusack. It was a real mind bender for me. It’s on DVD for a couple of weeks now. Hope you like it.

  13. When I was a kid my cousins used to take me to these haunted houses and before we went in my oldest cousin would turn and say to me, ” Laugh Anita Marie and you’re walking home.”

    Let me tell you, it’s a good thing those places were close by….


  14. What worries me the most is not that you visited that house (like you wouldn’t!) but that you actually liked it. Note to self: when I visit Kitty, it’s got to be NOT October.

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