I Will Not Be Beaten

By the bloodsucking bastard mosquitoes in my backyard. Forget annhialation. Bug spray only makes them stronger. This is something they discuss at their buzz parties by the light of the bug zapper. Along with their evil plan to take me down.

How do I fight back these mutants and reclaim the property I rightfully own and wish to enjoy?

You know those fancy mosquito nets that are all the rage for interior decorating? They are quite useful outside, too. This particular model is made for king sized beds and it fit perfectly around my patio table.

Laugh all you want, bitches. This shit *works.

Now I can sit out there and write when it is too noisy inside. Or watch my barbeque. Or breathe some fresh air without getting eaten alive.

I RULE.

I am also vengeful. At night, I taunt them with my bug lights.

*Not a single mosquito was harmed or **killed.
**Not by choice.

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43 thoughts on “I Will Not Be Beaten

  1. Hehehe, right on!

    Side note: this was probably not the intention, but it’s pretty like that.

    Second side note: it’s warm enough outside where you are to sit on the patio?! So jealous.

  2. Thanks, and you’re right, the intention was purely to stay comfortable in the evening when the mosquitoes are worse.
    Stepping into that thing, it has this magical ambiance. It is quite dreamy and functional at the same time. I have a fetish for textiles that are thin and flowy, translucent.
    It’s a great place to go and write.
    Yes, on the second side note. This is Texas, so it is just right for outside this time of year.
    Thanks for stopping by, withlovebyli.

  3. What a brilliant idea!!!! And it looks fantastic with the lights. I say, get about 50 bug zappers out there too, it’s your private property, they can go get their own place. It’d be ok if they respected our bodies, instead of draining them. Even that would be ok, but they leave their bloody poison that makes me itch to within an inch of insanity for about 3 weeks. You’re right, those bastards are getting stronger. I remember a mossy bite only used to bug me for a day – two at the most. Your own private princess chamber is the way to go!
    Goodnight zzzzz

  4. Not even the massive armies of Vampire Bugs sent to destroy Princess Kitty can stop her from fulfilling her destiny!

    They may have the ability to cause “the itchies” (as my daughter calls it), but you have a brain! Ha ha, brain wins! 😉

  5. Thanks, Saved. You know what mcr song, was in my head when I wrote this post?
    Hint: “I gave you blood, blood, gallons of the stuff, I gave you all that you could drink and it has never been enough.”

    AJ, I knew you’d laugh, didn’t I?

  6. I thought “the bitches” were the mosquitos. That’s what I call them. I kill with impunity now that I have a kid too… Those f–kers go anywhere near the boy and I fall upon them with the wrath of a hundred angry gods and goddesses…

    But, you know, maybe that’s just me…

  7. From “Eat,Pray,Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert:

    “He sits down across from me and drawls, ‘Man, they got mosquitoes ’round this place big enough to rape a chicken.’
    Ladies and Gentlemen, Richard from Texas has arrived.”

    I read that, closed the book, went to your blog. Wacky, hey?

  8. No, Sulya, I fondly refer to friends of mine as bitches, especially the ones who laugh at me or my bright ideas.

    LOL. Ginny!

    Saved, I knew you’d know the song. : )

  9. I’m laughing so hard, tears are rolling down my face at what “Richard from Texas said”. It’s gruesome really, but I can’t stop laughing.
    Sulya,did I read right? Have you just had a baby boy?? If so, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

  10. “He sits down across from me and drawls, ‘Man, they got mosquitoes ’round this place big enough to rape a chicken.’
    Ladies and Gentlemen, Richard from Texas has arrived.”

    Now I have to read that book!

  11. Liv, my boy is just over two. My unmitigated mosquito wrath started up when we moved back to Canada (from London) and encountered mosquitos who wanted to eat my little guy… He was about 8mths then.

    Ginny – that is a damn, damn fine quote and a lovely little moment of synchronicity with the reading of it and coming here. I love moments like that.

  12. I would have died on the ranch without a mosquito net the deer flies up north are violently aggressive and bite and draw blood. Also they are fast. Just one of those little bastards getting in means you are going to be attacked all day and all night for days and nights. The net saved me. It is a little creepy sleeping under one though because spiders love those mosquito nets and think they are specially built just for spiders and run up and down them.

  13. Deer fly, I wonder if that is the same thing as a horse fly? Those damn things hurt like crazy and by the time you feel the sting they have lifted off, you never get to smack them.

    I’ve never slept under a mosquito net but always wanted to go where you need to sleep under one. Such as the rainforest in Brazil. Hang out with tribes. Paint my face and drink potions that make me go to heaven, hell, and back.

  14. Horse flies are larger and slower and not as aggressive. They bite, but it is not personal. Deer fly, it is totally personal, it is vicious repeated attacking. The are like a fly cousin of fire ants.

  15. AJ, your laughter does not spoil my victory over the chicken raping Texas mosquitoes.

    Max, I did not know there were bugs in CA. I always thought that state had no rain, no bugs, no cold weather… Just sunshine and movie stars. (Maybe I am thinking of LA)

  16. Hi
    Kitty,I like your thinking, I will try it, and maybe I will just save my money on not buying any propane. My husband is a gajit man. Always trying to find a gajit to solve the problem. He bought a machine that runs on propane and you put it on your patio and it keeps them way 50 yard range. Tried it one time last year and ran out of propane.Never filled it up again. So I am going to try your way of thinking . Thanks.

  17. Clearly you missed the Ginormo episodes Kitty. LOL!

    California is a long state, at its base it is desert, at its top it is redwood forests, in between there are mountains, and along its entire western edge, the ocean. We have a lot of geography here, and every geography has its own bugs. And snakes. A lot of snakes. And wildlife. Rabbit, deer, foxes, raccoons, coyotes, bears, otters, possums. And birds. A whole hell of a lot of different kinds of birds. And that is just mainland, that does not include all the aquatic life like whales and dolphins and sharks or river life like trout, eels, salmon and steelhead. Just think, desert, mountains, rivers, forest, and ocean — and the accompanying ecology is huge.

  18. afr, I haven’t tried the propane thing, but I’ve seen it before. If you need to hang out in the yard and not be stuck at the patio table, it could be useful. I hope the mosquito net works for you. If you don’t have a covered patio or ceiling to hang it from, you can buy one of those patio umbrellas and drape it over that.

    Max, I do remember Ginormo. How could I forget? [banging forehead]
    I do tend to forget that there is more to California than LA and glam.
    Sounds like CA has it all!

  19. Even in L.A. proper, there are many animals. When I was teaching on the Universal lot, nights I was leaving I would see this family of coyotes crossing the street to and from the lot. I figure they hunted on the lot. The canyons are all home to many many coyotes, I would run into them in Laurel Canyon all the time evenings and early mornings. And possums and raccoons. A baby falcon [and they do not look like babies jeez] fell into the back yard one time and I had to keep the dogs and cat inside till its mother came and rounded it up. The Disney lot has wild bunnies and squirrels all over the lot it is like walking throw Snow White there with all the little animals and birds. There is wildlife all over Los Angeles coexisting with people and the city. Then there are the domesticated animals gone feral. So many people in Los Angeles get pitt bulls and then lose or abandon them, there is an entire population of pitt bulls living on the streets of Los Angeles. A woman every day loads up a truck with dog food and makes rounds, feeding the dogs of Los Angeles that live quietly within the concrete jungles of Downtown. There is a lot of wilderness hiding behind the concrete facade of here.

  20. I’m laughing my ass off. Sheesh, this scenery matches perfectly the mood of the piece you’re currently working on. If I ever need an interior decorator I’ll definitely use you.

  21. That cracks me up, Max. The Disney lot really has all these Snow White forest animals? Or are you pulling my leg?
    The pitt bull story reminds me of a documentary I saw, I think it is called “The Parrots of Telegraph Hill.” It’s about this man that feeds all the wild parrots in San Francisco. Beautiful film.

    Soph, nooooo, you do not want me as your interior decorator. I still have a bunch of windows in this house without drapes.

  22. I am not making that up the Disney lot is full of little bunnies and squirrels and birds and they are not afraid of people they just hop around doing bunny and squirrel and bird things on big expenses of green lawn.

  23. This is an awesome idea for backyard patio tables. The mosquito population, fortunately, is on the decline in Minnesota after being declared the “State Bug” in 2001. I hope they don’t think to put it on the endangered list!

  24. A couple of weeks ago I read about mosquitoes, and there is a certain food you can eat that makes your blood taste awful to them. I thought “Great, I like that” (the food) Then the doorbell rings, people come in and chat. Later I forgot where I read it and even worse (!) I bloody well forgot what the food is!!!! I bet it’s the mossies that have drained all my memory out with all the blood they’ve taken from me. It must have gone somewhere???

  25. I must have been running a constant 105 all my life!!! Do you remember what a meal your elvil little fire antsused to make of me? Every year I got more allergic.

  26. Being bit today is not like what it used to be. It all depends on where the little bugger was dining before biting you. HIV, E Coli, Lymes, West Nile and a whole lot of other s–t is floating around out there. I got bit in May and so far I am out of pocket over two thousand dollars just for blood tests and still don’t know what the hell is going on. (Michael Moore take note) Personally, I think I got Lymes, but can’t prove it.
    Protect yourself, it’s serious. Thank god for vodka.

  27. Brut, you got me all terrified. Pass the vodka, dude.

    AIDS can’t be spread by mosquito. Lymes, that is one hell of a disease, a friend of ours had a daughter suffer with it for years. Wasn’t diagnosed until the kid was in total organ failure.
    I hope you don’t have that.

  28. As I spend a lot of time in the garden, I tend to notice the horrible creepy crawlies – and fliers. In the last few years new, strange ones have appeared. Don’t know what the hell they are or what they do. At night time bigger things are flying about. The world is getting scary.

  29. It happens now and again. I’ll take a photo next time. It was one of those pidgeons, ALL those feathers!!! They do scrap amongst themselves, I’ve watched them. Others are really loving.

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