Secondhand Payback and a Hundred Thousand Years of Life

So Blane’s cousin and his eight year-old daughter left and now I can speak freely of the torture we have been through over the last 48 hours.

Maybe I’ll think of a nickname for this kid by the end of this post. Right now all I can think of is Clifford.


She’s been here before and I’d heard all sorts of grievances from Blane and kids, but around me, she’s an angel. She draws pictures for me, gives out free hugs, tells me I’m her favorite “aunt.”

The thing is, she has ADHD and by the time I wake up, the kid’s meds are working.

Before that, she goes to every room but mine and wakes everyone up. How she does that is the nefarious part.
She jumps on the bed and yells, “Cock-a-doodle-doo!”
Shakes a tin box full of coins while standing just out of arms reach.
Yesterday morning was a pretty good one, she dragged Spanky’s floor lamp right over her head and shined it right in her face. Spanky told her, “Get out or I will punt you, Kid.”

Why doesn’t she come in my room? I think it’s because the dogs are in there and they growl if anyone comes near the door. Brave guard dogs, yay!

So yesterday afternoon we decided to take the light rail into Dallas to see the King Tut exhibit.

For about twenty minutes I had to watch the kid while her dad and Blane were fighting with the bandit kiosk for tickets.

She kept running up and down the ramps, tightroping the edge of the train platform, climbing the rails like a monkey…

Now I have a really healthy set of nerves, my little brother was ten times worse. But Blane and Spanky never had younger siblings. They aren’t used to this. Blane himself probably has ADHD, I’ve heard some stories from every single relative about how he was a hammerheaded nerveen.

So Blane at least deserves it. But me? No way, man. When the kid kept unzipping my purse I told her there was a badazz snake in there. Nipped that shit in the bud.
Kid: What does it look like?
Me: It’s poisonous, you want me show it to you?

Telling her that story made her only want to “hang out” with me more. After about ten minutes into the forty-five minute train ride I asked her dad if he gave her a speedball or something.

That’s when he told me he forgot to give her her meds. Oh. Boy.

I felt sorry for all the people around us. Most of them would just get up and move. So the seat in front of us was empty when the gangsta-looking dude with the scowl and doo-rag strutted onto the train and plopped himself right there.

I was fine until that moment, I swear, I was like Mother freaking Theresa of feral children, but I knew this wasn’t good. I begged the kid to go sit with her dad. Offered to let her dig in my purse and play Old Maid with my credit cards, anything to get her away from that dude.

Of course she constantly kicked the back of his seat. What I can’t believe is that he didn’t put a cap in my ass when she elbowed him in the back of the head. Twice.

That was the train ride there.

The Tut exhibit at the Dallas Museum of Art was better than expected. There was gold, gold GOLD everywhere. And you know how I dig shiny stuff.

I was surprised with the level of detail in all the pieces, exquisite inlays of ivory, wood, and stone. Almost everything had hieroglyphs on the backside of them. I was especially impressed with the one spell wishing Tut a “hundred thousand years of life.”

And got all existential in there. His spell is better than ours, it ends in about 97,000 years. We get eternity. I mean, what are we going to do in the afterlife in all that time?

The train ride back wasn’t so bad. The kid expended a load of energy fingering up all the glass in the museum. (she tried to pry open one of the glass encasements!)

What kept her busy was she found the pole that you can hold onto if you don’t want a seat. She’d climb it and slide down. Spin around it. I looked at her dad and said, “Watch out dude, payback is hell.”

Got to the car and the kid refused to sit down unless she was sitting with her feet under her. Shoes all over the seats of Spanky’s new car.

Why did she want to sit like that? Oh you will die when you read this. She rolls up her underwear to make them look like she has thong like her mom and apparently it hurts to sit with them all bunched up like that.


18 thoughts on “Secondhand Payback and a Hundred Thousand Years of Life

  1. Oh, I forgot to mention that the minute this kid finally fell asleep last night my yard caught on fire.
    It wasn’t her, some friend of Sweetpea’s was sneaking a cigar and just set it down on the mulch. Caught the landscape fabric on fire. There was so much smoke, I’m surprised no one called 911.

  2. I just found more carnage. She got into the pastels and there’s colored dust everywhere. I guess I should have realized that when she handed me a drawing of she did of me in ~doh~ pastels. LOL.

  3. I think I would have surrendered the child to the gansta-looking dude and then went out for a VERY strong drink. I she was on my last nerve just reading this!

    So glad you survived.

  4. LOL. Max, I kept having to ask Spanky, “And then what are we going to do with the body?”

    Michele, her dad’s an ex-marine and he carries a pistol. (I wish he’d carry Ritatlin, instead)

    But yeah, that would have been an interesting battle. Trust me, I ran the whole scenario through my head, “saw” us running from the gangsta on top of the train, one cliffhanger car jump to the next.

  5. I saw that Tut exhibit too – in Philly last year. It was great – way better than I expected.

    I would have told that kid that there were spirits in there watching her every move.

  6. When I was a kid there was a King Tut exhibit touring the country and it came to our state. I was about the only kid who didn’t see it. Blane went. They had one of Tut’s masks there or maybe one of his sarcophagus. Now you have to go to Egypt to see it. I wish I’d gone back then.
    Of course I have a great excuse to go to Egypt now.

  7. I LOVE kids with severe emotional problems. Seriously. They’re so much more fun than calm, well-behaved children. And because I know, in my heart, that I can out-crazy them in a second.

  8. “And because I know, in my heart, that I can out-crazy them in a second.”

    I just fell out of my chair laughing. I wuv you Wassles.

    Michele, the jewels. Isn’t that meteor glass heist worthy? Man, I want that stuff.

  9. Kit, I’m laughing my ass off!!!! I know exactly which cousin of ours you’re speaking about…..that kid makes you not want to have kids!!! I love all kids as you know, but, she is so obnoxious. She’s been down here a few times and they stayed at dad’s…well you can imagine his comments. We end up having dinner or something with them and she acts exactly as you describe. She especially loves my purse because she knows I always have lipgloss in it. The last time we really dealt with her was at Blane’s wedding…needless to say, she threw one fit after another. The main thing that threw her into a frenzy was that one of the waitresses that were going around to the tables took her toothpicks that she was playing with. She went apeshit bananas!!!!! Poor little girl, I hope she grows out of it. Ashton’s severely ADHD so I’m used to that kind of situation, but she takes the cake.

  10. Jill, you know when we got the photos back from the wedding, there was a big surprise in there.
    The kid was not only in the photos of our side of the family, she got in all the photos of Angela’s side of the family too!

  11. That’s hilarious!!! Poor kid….she really craves attention. The dad’s sister was alot like that when she was young, but not as hyper. She actually looks like she did too!

  12. She’s really sweet when she’s on her meds. Her dad is wonderful to have over and he cooks like a maniac. I really do like having them over.
    I’m going to have to edit out the real names here or Blane will kill me. He’s already mad that I wrote this. I don’t think they read this blog, but you never know.
    Like I told Blane, there’s nothing in here that is untrue or mean or indicative that they aren’t welcome here. They are.

  13. If it means anything Kitty, I think she sounds like a great kid – I went through this with my nephew when he was young and believe it or not after awhile everyone gets used to dealing with it.

    Besides, when I was about 8 I used to make shrunken heads complete with hair out of dried apples and I named them and took them with me to school where l lined them up on my desk- and nope, I had no excuse for doing it.

  14. Ha, Anita Marie, I used to make shrunken heads out of apples, but I didn’t bring them around with me.

    I think a necklace of shrunken heads at the upcoming Christmas parties would be a nice convo opener.

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