Underwear or Socks?

Today started out just like too many days this summer. Craptastic.

My genius child Spanky failed her driving test. I thought she was kidding when she texted me. This kid has never failed anything. Ever.

So while she’s waiting for me to pick her from driving school, she sits on the sidewalk in front of an Italian restaurant which pipes music outside. She texts me, “I’m sitting outside the Italian place, they are playing Il Divo and it’s too dramatic.”

She’s kinda laughing and kinda crying when she gets into the car. Fast forward to later in the afternoon and everyone thinks this must be the end of times or something because the impossible has happened. Also, Spanky has quite a temper. We have no idea what she will do.

Things were quiet. Her Facebook status was posted, “fml.”

She never once blamed the driving instructor.

So when she asked me to bring her to that soul sucking mall, I agreed. She never buys anything there which makes it seem like a useless trip, right?

We go in a department store and there is a huge advertisement, a male underwear model with… well… Here’s what Spanky says about it, “Is he selling underwear or socks?”

Ohmygod we found it on the internet:



We look everywhere for purple patent leather pumps. Not because we really want them, we just like saying, “purple patent leather pumps.”

We see some shoes, sparkly, hooker-looking, platform flip-flops and I say only a gay dude would wear them, but she one ups me on that, “Only a straight man pretending to be a gay man would wear that.”

We notice a lot of women wearing maxi dresses and Spanky says no one under forty wears them (she calls them cougars, too). She’s almost right. There was a 30ish looking chick with one on, but Spanky said “That’s a thirty-year-old wanting to be a forty-year-old so she can hit on twenty-year-olds.”

Not that all women over forty in maxi dresses are cougars, we just like saying, “Cougar.”

So we laughed and laughed and laughed our way through the hell hole mall and it all ended with Spanky saying I should totally quote myself on Twitter, “Keep your fucking hands off my dump truck!”

What that’s all about, I’ll have to tell you another day. I just had to say it somewhere on the internet, for Spanky who fails with grace.


28 thoughts on “Underwear or Socks?

  1. Tell her I failed my first two driving tests. Maybe it’ll make her feel better. [The second time was especially dramatic too the steering wheel fell off into my lap during the test.]

  2. My condolences!

    On the other hand, probably for the best. Teens driving! Yikes. How can a mom handle it? I think I’ll just tell my son it’s against our religion for him to learn to drive…

  3. Well, despite the failed driving test, this whole post is full of win – yes, even the underwear/sock model because I just laughed soda right up my nose! Thanks ever so much for the giggles. Way to go on the graceful recovery Spanky 😉

  4. The first time I failed the driving test, these guys I knew told me [this is a small town so everyone knows everyone including who gives the tests at the DMV office] be sure and take your turns really wide, that guy hates close turns so go really really wide on your turns. So, natch, being an ibecile and all trusting and stuff, I took the turns wide.

    Well. That driving test guy hated wide turns, one of his pet peeves was wide turns, and at the end of the test he turned to me and said, I think you are a very good driver but you take your turns too wide you need to work on those.

    After the day of the test, my guy “friends” [ahem] were all waiting for me grinning like hogs, and one of them said, So, how’d those turns go?

    They came really close to dying that day.

    [She is totally Max Jr. too.]

  5. How come I miss all the underwear models like that? I unfortunately passed my first driving test, leading to over forty years servitude to the internal combustion engine. Now I have a chauffeur who will take me anywhere I want to go…as long as the bus is going there anyway.

  6. Mine failed her permit test twice. It’ll just give Spanky more practice time!

    Socks, definitely socks. Nothing sits like that in underwear.

    and… OMG! I have 3, yes 3 maxi dresses. Here in Nashville everyone wears them, not just the Cougars. I’d love to wear the shorter ones, but I don’t fancy bending over and showing the world my naughty bits. 🙂

    Btw… that would have a been a great random twitter!

  7. Spanky You really did handle this very Gracefully. Will you do the same when you nail that test? Shopping helps everything. Better luck next time.

  8. In Australia loads of teens fail their test the first time, I think it’s the RTA’s way of keeping them off the road longer.

    No doubt she’ll get it next time. She’ll also have a deep and satisfying relationship with a man who doesn’t need to stuff socks down his underwear (when she’s old enough)

  9. So sorry about the test!!

    I’m not sure if I feel relieved or out of the loop to have no idea what a ‘maxi’ dress is…?

  10. Yes. It was while he was having me parrallel park and was pretty classic. I stopped the car and the steering well fell off, plop! I was so resisting the urge to ask him if he had a stick of gum.

    • I also failed my driving test. Twice. The first time I ran through a red light and almost gave my instructor (a little old lady) a heart attack.

      I can’t remember the second time or who I almost killed or didn’t kill. But I ended up driving out to the country somewhere way out in Virginia the third time around where there were no other cars and of course I went home with a license.

  11. Writinggb, it is the scariest part of them growing up on you. She is a good driver, however. I’m just afraid of all the other drivers out there hitting her.

    Christina, she is such a hysterically funny kid.

    Max, what a rotten trick! I bet they wouldn’t last two seconds playing chicken with you.

    Silverstar, that’s the way to go. Unfortunately, this is a car town. Public transport is not well developed here. Spanky says she wants to live in a city with subways, she hates driving.

    Uh oh Michele, three maxi dresses? I am cougar, hear me roar! (just kidding)

    Voodoo, Spanky’s default response to anything is to go home and relax with some fanfic.

    Nurse, it seems as if other countries don’t let their teens drive. I was fifteen when I first got my license. I could barely see over the steering wheel. I didn’t have nearly the traffic she’s got to deal with here, though.

    Holly, it is scary all these teens on the road. My other daughter says it is pandemonium in the parking lot at her high school when the kids get out. A wreck almost every day.

    Max, can you believe parallel parking is no longer part of the test?

  12. I failed my first driving test – ran past a stop sign. I argued with the guy that the sign was way too high, who the hell would see that?

    Second test – I decided to play up my sexy legs and wore a mini skirt. The tester was a woman! But I passed anyway.

    So, tell Spanky – it happend to the best of us.

    And – she is wrong about maxi dresses, in NY and DC everyone is wearing them, lots of women in their 20s.

  13. Hahaha Michele, I was wondering if you’d get defensive about that maxi dress. I had to go to the mall the next day to pick up some glasses and noticed there were a lot of young women wearing them. Must have just been a fluke that first afternoon.

  14. Still wondering how you managed to get that shot of me……. and my maxi sock.

    Glad your outing to the mall improved Spanky’s mood; better luck next time.

  15. I failed my first one too! It almost seemed like the person was angry at me for being nervous. Got it the second time. Why are the test people crabby?

    Waiting for the dump-truck story…

  16. Haha Norm, hanging around the internet in your undies?

    Giacomo, I’m realizing from this blog post a lot of people have failed their first drive test. I’m glad I wrote about it because Spanky keeps checking the comments on this post and she’s not feeling so bad about it now.

  17. Please let your daughter know that she is not along, and all is not lost. Zeus blew his drivers ed class in high school. There is no course, no class, even math courses, that I less wanted to be enrolled in at that very time. I was truly relieved.

    At 19, while living in Northern Virginia, I learned to drive in some of the world’s worst traffic — DC Metro rush hour traffic. By then, I needed and wanted to learn. It was a full throated experience, and I can pretty much deal with any stateside traffic because of the driving I suddenly had to do on a daily basis for the next 20+ years.

    Driving should never be pushed (I think it is pushed on kids with peer pressure) and now she has plenty of time to learn on her own. It will work out for the best.

  18. Spanky is hilarious. I would die to have her with me each and every time I fail something. Her wit will simply not let you go blue. You know, it’s okay if you fail. Then you kick your ass real hard and try again. That next time, your ass still hurts so much there’s no way you fail again. And that underwear guy… it’s not his “socks” that bothered me; it’s his legs that are better shaved than mine.

  19. This is embarrassing but self proclaimed fashionista here has never heard the word maxi dress so I looked it up….and realized I had several in the closet!

    People my age wear them here in Arizona while our cougars wear next to nothing. I think our exotic dancers wear more than our cougars. In three years I will be qualified to do the same.

    On a side note I wonder if they make cougar spray. They make bear spray and pepper spray they should make cougar spray. They are everywhere and growing fast.

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