Today started out just like too many days this summer. Craptastic.
My genius child Spanky failed her driving test. I thought she was kidding when she texted me. This kid has never failed anything. Ever.
So while she’s waiting for me to pick her from driving school, she sits on the sidewalk in front of an Italian restaurant which pipes music outside. She texts me, “I’m sitting outside the Italian place, they are playing Il Divo and it’s too dramatic.”
She’s kinda laughing and kinda crying when she gets into the car. Fast forward to later in the afternoon and everyone thinks this must be the end of times or something because the impossible has happened. Also, Spanky has quite a temper. We have no idea what she will do.
Things were quiet. Her Facebook status was posted, “fml.”
She never once blamed the driving instructor.
So when she asked me to bring her to that soul sucking mall, I agreed. She never buys anything there which makes it seem like a useless trip, right?
We go in a department store and there is a huge advertisement, a male underwear model with… well… Here’s what Spanky says about it, “Is he selling underwear or socks?”
Ohmygod we found it on the internet:
We look everywhere for purple patent leather pumps. Not because we really want them, we just like saying, “purple patent leather pumps.”
We see some shoes, sparkly, hooker-looking, platform flip-flops and I say only a gay dude would wear them, but she one ups me on that, “Only a straight man pretending to be a gay man would wear that.”
We notice a lot of women wearing maxi dresses and Spanky says no one under forty wears them (she calls them cougars, too). She’s almost right. There was a 30ish looking chick with one on, but Spanky said “That’s a thirty-year-old wanting to be a forty-year-old so she can hit on twenty-year-olds.”
Not that all women over forty in maxi dresses are cougars, we just like saying, “Cougar.”
So we laughed and laughed and laughed our way through the hell hole mall and it all ended with Spanky saying I should totally quote myself on Twitter, “Keep your fucking hands off my dump truck!”
What that’s all about, I’ll have to tell you another day. I just had to say it somewhere on the internet, for Spanky who fails with grace.